Excerpt from Healing Connections: A Community Approach to Childhood Trauma and Attachment, Chapter 13, The Power of Peer Support by Janice Goldwater, (click here for a brief bio and photo of Janice). Excerpt includes sections from pages 251-253.
Welcome. Wherever you have been, for however long you have traveled, we are glad you are here. These are the words of a community that welcomes fellow life travelers. It can feel magnificent when we find our community. Finding support through peers can be lifesaving and life affirming. As a parent who raised a child through many rough life patches, I have experienced firsthand the power of support groups and the lifeline they can be for many.
Joining people with a shared experience is refreshing, can be empowering, and feels good. It can be a relief to know you are not the only one who is navigating difficult terrain. Sometimes, hearing someone else share an experience that resonates with your own brings you clarity and understanding of something that felt confusing. When life is really challenging, finding someone who has had a similar life experience breaks down barriers and creates mutual understanding. Managing adversity can be lonely and knowing you are not alone is comforting. Shared life experiences can override differences people may feel when they come from diverse cultures or life circumstances. Making sure you are seeking support in an inclusive environment where you feel safe is critical.
Raising a child with complex needs is probably one of the hardest things most parents have ever done. It is emotionally demanding and can be very lonely. Since we know that parents’ emotional and physical wellbeing is critical to their ability to be in a relationship with their child, prioritizing support for parents is crucial. People of all ages, genders and all walks of life can benefit from peer support, can help regain dignity and provides high test gas to a person’s tank. …..
Why We Need Peer Support
Many of our children require parents to give tremendous amounts of energy without any reciprocity. Without reciprocity, maintaining a relationship is exhausting. As human beings, our brains are wired to connect, to be in relationships. We are social beings and are interdependent. From the time we are born, we can only survive in the context of relationships and as we mature, we turn to one another to meet basic needs. The need for human connection and a sense of belonging, as discussed in other chapters throughout this book, is one of the most basic and significant needs we have. Our brains develop in response to the environment around us. Our world view is shaped by what happens to us as children and we develop strategies to manage around that. Children who have experienced toxic adversity develop adaptive strategies to stay alive which can create behavioral challenges even when in a safe environment. Our job as parents is huge, our children need us, and we need to take care of ourselves well enough to be there for them. We need to put on our oxygen mask so we can care for them.
There are several other chapters in this book that have address specific types of support caregivers often need. For example, Chapters 12 (Sibling Connections) and 15 (Cultural Connections) and 16 (The Intricate Interplay) highlight the value of connecting with other families who share similar situations or life experiences to increase a sense of connection and belonging. Chapters 17 (Advocacy) and 18 (Safe and Connected Schools) focus on the value of building connections to advocate for and receive needed services for ourselves and our children. Chapter 19 (Our Home has Become Frightening) addresses the need for supports provided within the home for some of the intensely challenging experiences many of us face. In Chapter 14, Rest and Respite, we discuss the individual ways we can create a self-care toolkit, but often we need to be cared for- by- and in- community with others to truly reap the benefits. Peer support, the subject of this chapter, can be an essential sustenance when we are navigating the job of raising our children.
To bring our best selves to the parenting relationship we need to find ways to effectively take care of ourselves. Many who have raised children with complex needs find themselves feeling isolated, alone and feeling different than the general population of parents. Some feel judged and lonely. Imagine you are going through a life crisis, something none of your siblings or closest friends have ever experienced. Where will you turn for help and support? Establishing a support system that includes others who share the lived experience of raising a child with complex needs can be immensely helpful, providing the necessary emotional, informational, and practical assistance to navigate life. Connecting with other parents who can empathize with the roller coaster ride provides a sense of comfort and reassurance. Sharing experiences, venting frustrations, and offering encouragement can make parents feel understood and less alone in their journey. Connecting with other parents can help you build a tool kit of resources.
The peer connection and support offered by the group helps us better understand and advocate for our children, while also helping us teach our kids how to advocate for themselves.