Excerpt from Healing Connections: A Community Approach to Childhood Trauma and Attachment, Chapter 8: Fathers Matter by Mark Rolon, Eddie Torres and Sue Badeau, excerpt is from pages 155 and 164-66:

Why Fathers Matter (p. 155)

In Chapters 2 and 3 of this book, the neurobiology of attachment and trauma were described, along with the many benefits associated with secure attachments between children and their primary caregivers. Caregivers also learned specific therapeutic strategies that can aide in healing and recovery for children who have experienced attachment disruptions and early life trauma. In these pages, secure attachment was described as somewhat of a dance between the adult and the child, with the adult’s capacity to “tune-in” responding to the child’s deep needs to belong and to be and feel safe, setting the rhythm for the dance. The parental role in this dance has often been described as providing both a “secure base” from which the child can venture forth into the world, explore, be curious, learn and grow, while at the same time being a “safe haven” for the child to return to when frightened, confused, hurt or in need of comfort, nurture, and care ((Powell et al., 2016).

As researchers explored how parents provide these two crucial elements of secure attachment, they noticed that there are often subtle but observable differences in the roles mothers and fathers play. While both can provide safety, comfort, and nurture for the child, it is through the combination of the maternal and paternal roles that children thrive best. In several studies it has been observed that fathers are more likely to encourage and engage in play with children, even with young infants, which fosters curiosity and exploration. This forms the foundation from which other benefits of father-child attachment develop. A brief list of the benefits to children of connection with the father(s) in their life includes (Canada Public Health Agency, n.d., “Benefits of Father Involvement” section):

1. Improved health – even premature infants gain more weight when they have involved fathers.

2. Improved social and emotional development including self-confidence, emotional regulation, including the capacity to manage big feelings and aggressive impulses, and peer relationships.

3. Improved academic success and capacity for learning.

4. Reduced likelihood of depression, teen pregnancy and behaviors often termed “delinquent.”

5. Improved health and well-being for mothers and fathers themselves.

What can parents/caregivers do? (pages 164-65)

Mark’s and Eddie’s Top Ten Recommendations for Fathers

1. Love unconditionally. Let your children know that you love them no matter what, and you’re there for them. You may not always agree, that’s okay. But you love them.

2. Listen with understanding. Take time to sit back and listen to your child. Don’t just hear them. Listen to what they’re saying. Try to understand where they’re coming from, so that you can relate. Because that’s not always easy to do.

3. Trust your child and make it visible. Let your child know that you trust them.

4. Be open and honest in your conversations. When age-appropriate, share your own life experiences with your child. Be transparent about how it was when you grew up and how you have handled adversity or worked towards your goals or managed your feelings.

5. Learn from your mistakes and teach your children to as well. Teach your children that failure is part of life. Failure is nothing but a learning opportunity, an opportunity to grow. As long as you learn from your mistakes, you’re better off for it, because nobody is perfect. And that’s okay. That makes us all unique.

6. Be their safe person. Let them know they can come to you anytime for any reason. Check your ego, we’ve got to get out of own way sometimes. We just can’t be so easily offended and aggravated.

7. Learn about Trauma. Know your own triggers. And know how to look for the signs that your child may be experiencing a trauma reaction.

8. Lead by example. Be a role model. Don’t say one thing and do another. We must recognize that our children are reflections of us. If we want our child to be kind to others, we must be too.

9. Demonstrate how parents should treat each other. When our children grow up and have their own relationships, often those relationships will be modeled on how we treated others in our own lives. Make sure your children know their worth, know how they are supposed to be treated, how not to be treated, and how to treat others.

10. Surround your child with a strong community, so that they will have support and can have conversations that might be awkward to have with you, other people besides you who will check in on them. People in addition to yourself who make sure that your children feel seen, heard, valued and safe.

Additional Parent Action Steps

In addition to Mark and Eddie’s great recommendations for dads, here are a few other action steps for other caregivers in the child’s life (such as mothers, foster/adoptive parents, and kinship caregivers), to support the father-children relationship, followed by some specific tips for non-custodial fathers.

1. Speak positively about the child’s father. Include his picture among your family albums or wall photo gallery.

2. Be the bridge between the child you are raising and the father(s) in their life. Encourage and support the father’s efforts to be involved. When it is safe to do so, invite him to the child’s events such as school programs, sporting events, birthday parties. If he cannot be physically present send him updates via mail or social media.

3. If the father is not currently present, give the child opportunities to express their feelings about this. Encourage the child to write a letter to their father expressing their thoughts and feelings.

4. Stay connected to the child’s paternal relatives. Even if the dad is incarcerated or has not been located or is uninvolved for other reasons, the child can still benefit from connection to the paternal side of the family- grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

Nurturing a Long-Distance Relationship for Non-Custodial Dads (p. 166)

1. Make a video and/or audio tape of you reading bedtime stories. Send the videos to your child along with the books.

2. Arrange for flowers, pizza, or something similarly special to be delivered to your child before or after a special event (a play, recital, sports game). Include a note telling them how proud you are of their accomplishment.

3. Create a “photo documentary” of what you do all day. Be sure to include things like what you eat, how you get around, etc. Things that you might think are boring, your kids will be very interested in seeing. Ask your child to do the same for you.

4. Send postcards regularly. Children love receiving real mail.

5. If both father and child have access to the internet, and with permission from the current caregivers, go on a “virtual field trip” together to a zoo or museum, or play Internet games together like golf, card games, chess, checkers, strategy games and so on.

6. Begin a Life’s Lessons Booklet. Each week write down a few of the lessons you’ve learned in life and how you learned those lessons. When the booklet is full, send it to your child to use as he or she begins or continues the journey of life.

7. Before your child visits next time, hide some small treasures around the house. Draw a treasure map of where you have hidden these things. Then give your child the map and a few hints as they hunt for the treasure when they visit.

8. M&M jar – you each keep a jar with the exact number of M&Ms to correspond to the number of days until your next visit and provide one for your child. You each agree to eat one a day until your next visit.

9. Make a Dad’s Fix-it kit for your child with items they may need: a package of band-aids or a tube for their bicycle tire.

Co-Author Eddie Torres

Eddie Torres is an advocate for fathers and parents to be part of their children’s lives when it is safe to do so. Formerly incarcerated in Federal Prison, Eddie reunified and gained custody of his daughter shortly after his release. Additionally, by bringing his passion and lived expertise to the table, Eddie partners with local child protection agencies and Juvenile Probation as a speaker, trainer and consultant to help improve outcomes for children and their families and help facilitate positive changes in policy, practice, and culture.

Co-Author: Mark Rolon

Mark Rolon is a Better Together Birth Parent Advisor and active member of the Father Engagement Action Team (FEAT) team working out of the Concord NH district office. He is a 51 yr old father of 4, happily married for 22 yrs. Mark is currently disabled due to complications from the treatment of HLH. He joined the Better Together program in November of 2020 after one of his sons became involved in the juvenile justice system. Mark is a frequent speaker at conferences and training events promoting father engagement where he uses his lived expertise to inform, educate and equip fathers and professionals.