From pages 251-2, 254-7

“Welcome. Wherever you have been, for however long you have traveled, we are glad you are here.” These are the words of a community that welcomes fellow life travelers.  It can feel magnificent when we find our community. Finding support through peers can be lifesaving and life affirming. As a parent who raised a child through many rough life patches, I have experienced firsthand the power of support groups and the lifeline they can be for many.

Joining people with a shared experience is refreshing, can be empowering, and feels good. It can be a relief to know you are not the only one who is navigating difficult terrain. Sometimes, hearing someone else share an experience that resonates with your own brings you clarity and understanding of something that felt confusing. When life is really challenging, finding someone who has had a similar life experience breaks down barriers and creates mutual understanding. Managing adversity can be lonely and knowing you are not alone is comforting. Shared life experiences can override differences people may feel when they come from diverse cultures or life circumstances. Making sure you are seeking support in an inclusive environment where you feel safe is critical. 

Raising a child with complex needs is probably one of the hardest things most parents have ever done. It is emotionally demanding and can be very lonely. Since we know that parents’ emotional and physical wellbeing is critical to their ability to be in a relationship with their child, prioritizing support for parents is crucial. People of all ages, genders and all walks of life can benefit from peer support, can help regain dignity and provides high test gas to a person’s tank.

Types of Support

Peer support can be delivered in a group, through a one-to-one relationship, formally or informally. It can be in person or virtually. The most essential element is that you feel understood by another human being. Every journey is unique, and so is every support group/relationship. Be patient and keep trying until you find support where you feel truly supported and understood. If you are part of a 2-parent family, it is possible that the support needs of each parent will be different. It is OK to each seek your own support circle. One may need a one-to-one “buddy” relationship with a close peer, while the other parent may feel more supported in a larger support group context.

The support group is my lifeline. Being able to talk to other parents who understand is so comforting.

How Do Parents Find Support?

Finding a support group may seem challenging, but there are numerous resources available both locally, nationally, in person and virtually. Organizations like ATTACh deliver robust peer support services. You can reach out to local foster care, adoption, mental health, and family well-being agencies, national or international foster/adoption organizations and family support centers as they often host peer-led support services. Online platforms can also be an excellent resource. It is likely that if you are a foster family or an adoptive or permanency family, you may find greatest support with parents whose families are having similar experiences. Remember, it is not one size fits all, but about finding the right kind of support that meets your needs.

I feel so much less alone when I am with other parents who understand my exhaustion. They help me fill up with hope on really hard days. 

Peer Support for Youth

All my life all I ever wanted was to feel safe, heard and understood.

I had found the safety feeling some years after getting adopted but, I still felt like there was a lack of understanding growing up.

In 2019, the Adoption Council of Canada took youth who were in and from care to see a movie called “Shazam“, on Children and Youth in Care Day. At the start, I thought it was just another day – we were getting our snacks, sitting down, chatting about everything and nothing at the same time. 

As the movie started, so did my tears. They weren’t tears of sadness; they were tears of relief. For the first time in my life, I finally found the feelings I was searching for. I felt understood and I felt heard. There’s something magical about walking into a room and not feeling like you have to explain yourself – why you’re there, who you are and what you’ve been through because everyone in that room has been through it too. We all just understood each other, and we heard each other without having to say anything at all. That feeling I felt in that movie theatre was one of the greatest feelings I have ever felt and as I sat there with tears rolling down my face, I couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. My youth group helped me feel a little more complete. Growing up, I didn’t have that. I didn’t know of any youth groups, and I wish I had done because it would have helped me feel a little less lonely. Peer support groups help youth find that little bit of magic, that feeling of belonging that many search for.

Princess Land

Parents are not the only ones who can benefit from support. All of us crave connection and when we are with someone with a shared life experience it is so validating. Finding a support group for youth where they can establish and nurture relationships with others can be life changing. Looking into the eyes of another person who has shared experience is priceless.

Many people who have lived through trauma, experienced attachment challenges, or were adopted or in foster care, report that their most significant relationships were with others who had shared life experiences. I remember the first time I attended a conference where all the youth there had been adopted. The leader asked who in the room was adopted and all the hands went up. Watching the expressions on the faces of the youth was profound. For these youth whose families were different than many in their community, meeting other kids who were adopted, who may have had parents of another race and were not being raised in their birth family was so affirming. Many relationships discovered that day were nurtured through formal and informal groups and the feedback over the years of the importance of those relationships was exceptional. People who were adopted often share how they feel a deep sense of solidarity and understanding with others who were also adopted. This sense of “finding your people” is not unique to adoption – youth with mental health diagnoses, chronic medical conditions, gender expression or sexual orientation differences from peers or youth who are in racially or culturally marginalized communities also benefit from peer support. Finding a group for your youth where they can be fully seen and connected to others with lived experience can be deeply enriching.

Being with other kids who were adopted is so cool.  They just understand how it feels to be different from your parents.